How great it is to look in the mirror and see a genuine smile.
How comforting it feels to know that you are your truest and most loyal supporter.
How reassuring it is to look down at your skin and within yourself to find that old scars are healing and disappearing.
No amount of advice or compliments could make me feel the way my own words and actions have. It took me finding myself to begin understanding love. Loving myself cut out the fake and forced “love” I had been receiving from outside sources and gave me space to breathe and grow. What the fuck is circumstantial love hindered by grudges and miscommunication to a genuine and unconditional love coming from within?
My love comes with no reason, catches, or baggage. I don’t have to worry whether a mistake will cause it to abandon me. My love puts me first and motivates me to do what’s best for me. My love allows forgiveness and encourages independence.
What does your love do?
Heeeeey everybody! It’s been a while huh? To keep it brief I’ve been going through my fair share of ups and downs but, I have a lot of exciting things happening for me this week including an interview for a possible internship. Oh, I’m back at school & I know junior year’s gonna be tough but I’m ready for it.
Let’s talk about something a bit more juicy. Guys, I miss sex. It’s been 4 months and I feel like I’m cheating myself by not indulging in one of my favorite activities. I’m in a place where I don’t miss any of my past flings but the easy access to dick was much appreciated. I’ve never been the type to have one night stands or strictly fuck buddies but my cravings have me thinking… I genuinely don’t want a man at the moment. It sucks to say but I see them as childish, disrespectful, clowns. I don’t hate men as hard as that is to believe, but the whole women maturing faster thing is too true. No, way I have it in me to start all over again with someone. I’m just not interested in romance. All I could manage is a man that can please me without the stress and drama. Meet me after a long day of classes and responsibilities with one rolled and fuck me right to sleep till next time. Bring any feelings or drama into the situation and I might just fuck ya friend, that’s just how I’m feeling. I’ve never had a “hoe phase” so maybe it’s my time now, who knows. I’m really all about me right now and I gotta encourage you guys to try it too. Soooo, since I’m sex deprived at the moment why not reminisce on past encounters? I’ll be posting a few sex stories soon but until then stay lovely. XO.
I feel like I’ve made it a habit to post only when I’m upset. So, let’s switch it up. Things are…good. Not perfect, but better. I’ve finally figured out how to just focus on myself, and not overthink the little things. I’m still a bit stressed especially after seeing my student bill for this upcoming semester. But unlike before I’ve just been making plans to handle some situations and issues and sticking too them, rather than drowning in helplessness.
I still have my low days, but I feel like I’m starting to outgrow the sadness that had me stuck on stupid. Speaking of being stuck on stupid, that’s dead not only when it comes to being productive but also in terms of my “love” life. Part of the reason I’ve been struggling is because I was stuck settling for a boy’s potential and rather than accepting that he wasn’t worth my time, hurt from his chosen absence from my life. I was very unhappy while we were together and it showed in the way I acted. That being said, I obviously wasn’t innocent or perfect but, he sure wasn’t either. My other relationships, especially friendships took a hit too. Now that I’m more at peace with myself and where I am, I’m finally able to start restrengthening the longterm friendships I thought were over. The friendship I did lose was full of red flags yet still unexpected. One of my friends disappearing when I needed them most just made me appreciate the ones that stuck around much more. These friendships have undergone some tension but they’re still good and genuine. They’re not perfect but they’ve been getting better day by day.
Time really does heal. I gave myself a couple of months to breakdown, and now I’m focused, and closer to happy, just rebuilding. Now that I’m moving past some of the situations that broke me, maybe it’s time I start dropping some story times and reflections. To whoever’s reading this, thanks for letting me ramble, XO.
My strength and patience are constantly tested. My body is defiant and doesn’t curve in the ways I want it too, but how can I blame it when I’ve yet to curve my mouth into a genuine smile. Something tells me that my body will follow suit as soon as my lips speak kinder and smile back at the mirror to the woman that is me. My stress is embodied through the scars left on my skin from breakouts most likely caused from my inability to break out from pride’s hold on me and break down and admit that I need affection sometimes too. I battle the softer part of myself often. I crack under pressure but not in public, not even to eyes or ears that I know to belong to friends and family. I can honestly say none of my friends have seen me cry, and I’ve cried enough tears to drown the army that once declared victory over me two times over. I had no white flag to wave, so a few tissues were all I had to confirm their victory. Fast forward to current day where I’m not losing or winning, instead I’m taking part in a stalemate against the part of me that is ready to move forward and the part of me that lacks the confidence to actually do so. I shed tears less often now but since these tears are still shed alone, I don’t feel that much better. I know I have people who would take time too listen but some stubborn part of me just won’t allow it. I’m still learning to be comfortable around those that I love and understand that they love me back. There isn’t one person I don’t question, not due to their faults but solely based on mine and the one’s I’ve dealt with before them. I know I’m wrong for that. From pain, came acceptance, and from acceptance comes growth.. or so I hope. I know happiness comes from within and takes time, but I’ve never really been that patient. I’ve reached rock bottom according to my standards so there’s really no where to go but up, so that’s where I’m going. I’ll be better instead of bitter along with all the other cliches that go along with self-love. Understand that though I am discouraged I am not defeated. Not this time, what I’m feeling was enough to push me to create this blog, and this post to connect with others who can relate but also as something too look back at and laugh bc I had no idea what success and happiness was in store for my future. So, as I close out this post I want to remind you that everyday is a blessing so everyday should be progress. I’m working to live up too my last statement, and I welcome you all to do so too. XO.
As you now know I have depression. It’s like a parasite with a condescending voice that I can’t seem to get rid of. For the longest time this parasite has sucked the life out of me, clouded my judgement, and kept me in a state of complacent misery. The parasite made me accept and believe […]
via I’ve been sleeping on myself, I’m awake now. — Being Me Doing Me
If you fuck with PND(PartyNextDoor) you know what the title of this post refers too. PND is and has been one of my favorite artists for a few years now. His voice is already soothing on it’s own, but when you add his smooth lyrics his content gets better even when you didn’t think it was possible. Seductive is the perfect way too describe him and his work. I’ll always love his older music(Muse, Break From Toronto, Wus Good/Curious, and etc.) but I wanna talk about his newest project, “Colours 2.” At first I was annoyed that there’s only 4 songs on it, but once I realized it’s good enough to be played on repeat it was all good. My personal favorite is “Freak in You.” It’s sweet and dirty at the same time.
He’s so smooth that he makes simply wanting to fuck you for the night sound beautiful. The light background vocals paired with the production make it perfect to fuck too, light a blunt too, or just enjoy on your own. I’m kind of getting off topic but the fact that he has dreads just makes him all the more lust worthy too me. I’ve never been with a dread head but I’d be lying if I said I haven’t imagined giving direction to a man while he goes down on me by pulling on his dreads. I’m gonna wrap this up here, but feel free to comment your thoughts or opinions on anything mentioned in this post.
Y’all I feel so stuck. I’m at the age where people tell you to have fun and be selfish, but honestly I don’t feel like I know how to do that. I just feel like something is always missing. I’ve been going to the gym, working, and keeping up with friendships but something still doesn’t feel right. I’ve come to realize that part of me misses the last boy I was involved with, but that confession right there is exactly why we couldn’t work. I’m no where near perfect but in all honesty he was a boy, not a man. It sounds cliche but that’s the only way I can explain it. He made me feel good for the time being but then disappeared quicker than he came, and I mean that in two different ways ;). To be honest he’s a physical representation of my ongoing progress. He treated me WAY better than my ex, but still not how I deserved to be treated. I have to admit I was an unhappy and deeply hurt person while we were talking, but he wasn’t ready for “us” either to say the least. As much as I like my independence and work well alone, part of yearns to love and be loved romantically.
I got asked if I believe in love and I still don’t know the answer. I’m not a romantic but I’m not completely pessimistic on the topic. To be honest I don’t have many positive healthy relationships to reference, if anything I’m stuck with some sort of generational curse. The women in my family are unbelievably loyal, caring, and hardworking but always seem to get the short end of the stick. I look at these women including my mom and almost feel their heartbreak ten fold because I know the pain a failed 1 year relationship gave me, so just imagine the hurt after a whole divorce from a 10 year marriage. Still I’m no stranger to divorce and cheating, especially cheating since I’ve been subject too it first hand. Ya, it made me bitter for awhile and it’s something I’m just beginning to really get over but, that’s not why I find it difficult to answer the question that originally inspired this post. I’m unsure if I believe in it because I truly feel like “love” has been watered down over the years and is now just a less potent version. People are rarely willing to take the time to know someone and love them for their everything. Or to grow together and just be good to each other. I’m unsure, but I’ll be patient and optimistic till love in every sense of the word finds me. Feel free to leave comment with your opinions!