Stop Sleeping on Sy Ari Da Kid

IMG_0500So, one of my homegirls put me on to a new artist a couple of years ago and it’s safe to say neither of them(Artist: Sy Ari, and my homegirl) have ever disappointed me.

The first song of his I was introduced to was Priorities ft. Bryson Tiller, after that one I found myself vibing to his earlier and more extensive work. If I’m being honest I messed with his 2016 self(B4 the Heartbreak) more than 2017’s version(2 Soon). But LET. ME. TELL. Y’ALL. he didn’t come to play in 2018…

Sy Ari gifted us with a gritty in character but, honest and smooth musical representation of making sense of your situation after a heartbreak…from both sides. “His After the Heartbreak” mixtape consists of soft melodies with the harsh realities of botched love embedded in his lyrics. The musical aspect is so refreshing but, what really caught my attention and forced me to replay this project is the real ass recordings, and voicemails from who I’m assuming to be, the scorned lovers that inspired the project. As the mixtape goes on the passion and pain intensifies in each of the women’s stories. The first one is a light-hearted drunk voicemail which didn’t prepare me at all for the heartfelt venting voicemails that are introduced later on as a the heartbreak has already taken place.

He’s so damn creative he puts together bits and pieces from each voicemail around a sound snippet of a heart flat-lining, literally letting us listen to the progression and ruins of a heartbreak. I’m not gonna say much else because I want you guys to go support him but, one recording that stuck with me was the one where his former lover states “Don’t try to add reverse psychology in this shit and make it seem like because you did something fucked up and I called you out on it that I’m bad energy and I’m feeling some type of way..” As someone whose been in a emotionally abusive relationship that. shit. resonated. SPOKE VOLUMES. The one’s who hurt you worst somehow always find a way to make you think it’s your fault and that you shouldn’t speak up for yourself but, open your eyes babies then let your arms follow suit as you let them go.

Check out the album on youtube and soundcloud! Enjoy, XO.

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The Me of 2018

Sooooo, I live in Massachusetts where the weather lives to surprise us. The Northeaster that hit us with snow gave me a couple of snow days and time for reflection. I took time to reflect on my current situation in terms of self awareness and growth, relationships, the status of various goals, and blah blah blah, you get it. Sitting their and analyzing my situation used to be depressing and all things gloomy months ago but now it’s like..exciting. I’ve come to find that I’m growing into the woman I needed last year, the woman I want for my future children, the woman who is wise due to her experiences but young in nature. What is this woman made of? This woman is made of experiences that taught her but do not define her, of understanding and clarity, of warm smiles and an attitude that makes an appearance whenever it pleases.

As for my relationships…I’m proudly single and learning a lot about why. But, by relationships I also mean “friendships”. Why did I put that word in quotations…? Well, I’m the type of person that has either family, or acquaintances, but various situations in my past have forced me into having an in between category that we’ll be generic and label as “friendship.” I’ve had the same close relationships throughout high-school and with the exception of some, now in college. These friendships have been through trauma to the extreme power. Not your typical petty girl drama but deep misunderstanding, lies, grief, and disagreement. My first and only relationship was toxic to say the least, it seeped it’s poison into me and my closest relationships without missing a spot. The person I became and have now recovered from was someone those closest to me couldn’t understand. These people have done so much for me but have also hurt me in ways I’ve tried to explain but will never truly be understood by these people. Apologies have been exchanged and all that sad shit but communication, and time spent together are just..different. We aren’t as close but we aren’t beefing, and I will always wish them well. I’ve accepted that I can’t force myself on these people, and that they have every right to feel however they actually feel about me. I’ve forgiven myself for what’s happened between us and accepted that with finding yourself you lose your connection to certain people, forgive yourself and move the fuck on.

My new relationships, however have been flourishing. The majority of those, I’ll keep in friendship bin. I’m not big on making new friends so it’s more than shocking that I have so many this year. One of them I can honestly is on her way to being considered family. They help contribute to the new and happy me, and I hope I’m a contributor to their happiness as well.

Okay, let’s talk about goals. The main goals I had set for myself this year were to get my damn license, which I fearfully but, finally did in November and find happiness within myself. Yes, boo the latter of that small yet stressful list has been accomplished too. I have my cry baby little bitch days like we all do, the difference is now they’re less frequent and I’m able to process my feelings, understand that it’s not forever, then move on and feel good again.

Now, that we’re all updated I want you guys to hold me to writing a piece about the importance of forgiveness. In the meantime I wish you all happiness and prosperity.

How it feels to love me

How great it is to look in the mirror and see a genuine smile.

How comforting it feels to know that you are your truest and most loyal supporter.

How reassuring it is to look down at your skin and within yourself to find that old scars are healing and disappearing.

No amount of advice or compliments could make me feel the way my own words and actions have. It took me finding myself to begin understanding love. Loving myself cut out the fake and forced “love” I had been receiving from outside sources and gave me space to breathe and grow. What the fuck is circumstantial love hindered by grudges and miscommunication to a genuine and unconditional love coming from within?

My love comes with no reason, catches, or baggage. I don’t have to worry whether a mistake will cause it to abandon me. My love puts me first and motivates me to do what’s best for me. My love allows forgiveness and encourages independence.

What does your love do?

Forgiving VS Letting Go

Ladies, listen up

Sely Chronicles

When do you know your forgiving and trying again or all around done with his shit!? 

I feel like a woman knows for sure when she needs to just be done. You get this calm thought process that goes alittle like this: I really just can’t do this anymore you get so fed up with trying that you no longer have energy for the bullshit. Break ups are never easy but when you get that one ounce of DONTGIVEAFUCKANYMORE it’s enough to push you towards letting go.

Forgiving VS Letting Go & How You Know What Time It Is 

Personally I like determining whether its worth it or not by doing the balance challenge. If you don’t know what that is (probably because I just came up with that name lol) that is when you make a list with a line down the middle. One side is for the good qualities…

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It’s Been A Long 4 Months

Heeeeey everybody! It’s been a while huh? To keep it brief I’ve been going through my fair share of ups and downs but, I have a lot of exciting things happening for me this week including an interview for a possible internship. Oh, I’m back at school & I know junior year’s gonna be tough but I’m ready for it.

Let’s talk about something a bit more juicy. Guys, I miss sex. It’s been 4 months and I feel like I’m cheating myself by not indulging in one of my favorite activities. I’m in a place where I don’t miss any of my past flings but the easy access to dick was much appreciated. I’ve never been the type to have one night stands or strictly fuck buddies but my cravings have me thinking… I genuinely don’t want a man at the moment. It sucks to say but I see them as childish, disrespectful, clowns. I don’t hate men as hard as that is to believe, but the whole women maturing faster thing is too true. No, way I have it in me to start all over again with someone. I’m just not interested in romance. All I could manage is a man that can please me without the stress and drama. Meet me after a long day of classes and responsibilities with one rolled and fuck me right to sleep till next time. Bring any feelings or drama into the situation and I might just fuck ya friend, that’s just how I’m feeling. I’ve never had a “hoe phase” so maybe it’s my time now, who knows. I’m really all about me right now and I gotta encourage you guys to try it too. Soooo, since I’m sex deprived at the moment why not reminisce on past encounters? I’ll be posting a few sex stories soon but until then stay lovely. XO.

Life Update

I feel like I’ve made it a habit to post only when I’m upset. So, let’s switch it up. Things are…good. Not perfect, but better. I’ve finally figured out how to just focus on myself, and not overthink the little things.  I’m still a bit stressed especially after seeing my student bill for this upcoming semester. But unlike before I’ve just been making plans to handle some situations and issues and sticking too them, rather than drowning in helplessness.

I still have my low days, but I feel like I’m starting to outgrow the sadness that had me stuck on stupid. Speaking of being stuck on stupid, that’s dead not only when it comes to being productive but also in terms of my “love” life. Part of the reason I’ve been struggling is because I was stuck settling for a boy’s potential and rather than accepting that he wasn’t worth my time, hurt from his chosen absence from my life. I was very unhappy while we were together and it showed in the way I acted. That being said, I obviously wasn’t innocent or perfect but, he sure wasn’t either. My other relationships, especially friendships took a hit too. Now that I’m more at peace with myself and where I am, I’m finally able to start restrengthening the longterm friendships I thought were over.  The friendship I did lose was full of red flags yet still unexpected. One of my friends disappearing when I needed them most just made me appreciate the ones that stuck around much more. These friendships have undergone some tension but they’re still good and genuine. They’re not perfect but they’ve been getting better day by day.

Time really does heal. I gave myself a couple of months to breakdown, and now I’m focused, and closer to happy, just rebuilding.  Now that I’m moving past some of the situations that broke me, maybe it’s time I start dropping some story times and reflections. To whoever’s reading this, thanks for letting me ramble, XO.

Discouraged NOT Defeated

My strength and patience are constantly tested. My body is defiant and doesn’t curve in the ways I want it too, but how can I blame it when I’ve yet to curve my mouth into a genuine smile. Something tells me that my body will follow suit as soon as my lips speak kinder and smile back at the mirror to the woman that is me. My stress is embodied through the scars left on my skin from breakouts most likely caused from my inability to break out from pride’s hold on me and break down and admit that I need affection sometimes too. I battle the softer part of myself often. I crack under pressure but not in public, not even to eyes or ears that I know to belong to friends and family. I can honestly say none of my friends have seen me cry, and I’ve cried enough tears to drown the army that once declared victory over me two times over. I had no white flag to wave, so a few tissues were all I had to confirm their victory. Fast forward to current day where I’m not losing or winning, instead I’m taking part in a stalemate against the part of me that is ready to move forward and the part of me that lacks the confidence to actually do so. I shed tears less often now but since these tears are still shed alone, I don’t feel that much better. I know I have people who would take time too listen but some stubborn part of me just won’t allow it. I’m still learning to be comfortable around those that I love and understand that they love me back. There isn’t one person I don’t question, not due to their faults but solely based on mine and the one’s I’ve dealt with before them. I know I’m wrong for that. From pain, came acceptance, and from acceptance comes growth.. or so I hope. I know happiness comes from within and takes time, but I’ve never really been that patient. I’ve reached rock bottom according to my standards so there’s really no where to go but up, so that’s where I’m going. I’ll be better instead of bitter along with all the other cliches that go along with self-love. Understand that though I am discouraged I am not defeated. Not this time, what I’m feeling was enough to push me to create this blog, and this post to connect with others who can relate but also as something too look back at and laugh bc I had no idea what success and happiness was in store for my future. So, as I close out this post I want to remind you that everyday is a blessing so everyday should be progress. I’m working to live up too my last statement, and I welcome you all to do so too. XO.

I’ve been sleeping on myself, I’m awake now. — Being Me Doing Me

As you now know I have depression. It’s like a parasite with a condescending voice that I can’t seem to get rid of. For the longest time this parasite has sucked the life out of me, clouded my judgement, and kept me in a state of complacent misery. The parasite made me accept and believe […]

via I’ve been sleeping on myself, I’m awake now. — Being Me Doing Me

PartyGetsMeWetter

IMG_5295If you fuck with PND(PartyNextDoor) you know what the title of this post refers too. PND is and has been one of my favorite artists for a few years now. His voice is already soothing on it’s own, but when you add his smooth lyrics his content gets better even when you didn’t think it was possible.  Seductive is the perfect way too describe him and his work. I’ll always love his older music(Muse, Break From Toronto, Wus Good/Curious, and etc.) but I wanna talk about his newest project, “Colours 2.” At first I was annoyed that there’s only 4 songs on it, but once I realized it’s good enough to be played on repeat it was all good. My personal favorite is “Freak in You.” It’s sweet and dirty at the same time.

He’s so smooth that he makes simply wanting to fuck you for the night sound beautiful. The light background vocals paired with the production make it perfect to fuck too, light a blunt too, or just enjoy on your own.  I’m kind of getting off topic but the fact that he has dreads just makes him all the more lust worthy too me. I’ve never been with a dread head but I’d be lying if I said I haven’t imagined giving direction to a man while he goes down on me by pulling on his dreads. I’m gonna wrap this up here, but feel free to comment your thoughts or opinions on anything mentioned in this post.

Stuck.

Y’all I feel so stuck. I’m at the age where people tell you to have fun and be selfish, but honestly I don’t feel like I know how to do that. I  just feel like something is always missing. I’ve been going to the gym, working, and keeping up with friendships but something still doesn’t feel right. I’ve come to realize that part of me misses the last boy I was involved with, but that confession right there is exactly why we couldn’t work. I’m no where near perfect but in all honesty he was a boy, not a man. It sounds cliche but that’s the only way I can explain it. He made me feel good for the time being but then disappeared quicker than he came, and I mean that in two different ways ;).  To be honest he’s a physical representation of my ongoing progress. He treated me WAY better than my ex, but still not how I deserved to be treated. I have to admit I was an unhappy and deeply hurt person while we were talking, but he wasn’t ready for “us” either to say the least. As much as I like my independence and work well alone, part of yearns to love and be loved romantically.