Life Update

I feel like I’ve made it a habit to post only when I’m upset. So, let’s switch it up. Things are…good. Not perfect, but better. I’ve finally figured out how to just focus on myself, and not overthink the little things.  I’m still a bit stressed especially after seeing my student bill for this upcoming semester. But unlike before I’ve just been making plans to handle some situations and issues and sticking too them, rather than drowning in helplessness.

I still have my low days, but I feel like I’m starting to outgrow the sadness that had me stuck on stupid. Speaking of being stuck on stupid, that’s dead not only when it comes to being productive but also in terms of my “love” life. Part of the reason I’ve been struggling is because I was stuck settling for a boy’s potential and rather than accepting that he wasn’t worth my time, hurt from his chosen absence from my life. I was very unhappy while we were together and it showed in the way I acted. That being said, I obviously wasn’t innocent or perfect but, he sure wasn’t either. My other relationships, especially friendships took a hit too. Now that I’m more at peace with myself and where I am, I’m finally able to start restrengthening the longterm friendships I thought were over.  The friendship I did lose was full of red flags yet still unexpected. One of my friends disappearing when I needed them most just made me appreciate the ones that stuck around much more. These friendships have undergone some tension but they’re still good and genuine. They’re not perfect but they’ve been getting better day by day.

Time really does heal. I gave myself a couple of months to breakdown, and now I’m focused, and closer to happy, just rebuilding.  Now that I’m moving past some of the situations that broke me, maybe it’s time I start dropping some story times and reflections. To whoever’s reading this, thanks for letting me ramble, XO.

Discouraged NOT Defeated

My strength and patience are constantly tested. My body is defiant and doesn’t curve in the ways I want it too, but how can I blame it when I’ve yet to curve my mouth into a genuine smile. Something tells me that my body will follow suit as soon as my lips speak kinder and smile back at the mirror to the woman that is me. My stress is embodied through the scars left on my skin from breakouts most likely caused from my inability to break out from pride’s hold on me and break down and admit that I need affection sometimes too. I battle the softer part of myself often. I crack under pressure but not in public, not even to eyes or ears that I know to belong to friends and family. I can honestly say none of my friends have seen me cry, and I’ve cried enough tears to drown the army that once declared victory over me two times over. I had no white flag to wave, so a few tissues were all I had to confirm their victory. Fast forward to current day where I’m not losing or winning, instead I’m taking part in a stalemate against the part of me that is ready to move forward and the part of me that lacks the confidence to actually do so. I shed tears less often now but since these tears are still shed alone, I don’t feel that much better. I know I have people who would take time too listen but some stubborn part of me just won’t allow it. I’m still learning to be comfortable around those that I love and understand that they love me back. There isn’t one person I don’t question, not due to their faults but solely based on mine and the one’s I’ve dealt with before them. I know I’m wrong for that. From pain, came acceptance, and from acceptance comes growth.. or so I hope. I know happiness comes from within and takes time, but I’ve never really been that patient. I’ve reached rock bottom according to my standards so there’s really no where to go but up, so that’s where I’m going. I’ll be better instead of bitter along with all the other cliches that go along with self-love. Understand that though I am discouraged I am not defeated. Not this time, what I’m feeling was enough to push me to create this blog, and this post to connect with others who can relate but also as something too look back at and laugh bc I had no idea what success and happiness was in store for my future. So, as I close out this post I want to remind you that everyday is a blessing so everyday should be progress. I’m working to live up too my last statement, and I welcome you all to do so too. XO.

PartyGetsMeWetter

IMG_5295If you fuck with PND(PartyNextDoor) you know what the title of this post refers too. PND is and has been one of my favorite artists for a few years now. His voice is already soothing on it’s own, but when you add his smooth lyrics his content gets better even when you didn’t think it was possible.  Seductive is the perfect way too describe him and his work. I’ll always love his older music(Muse, Break From Toronto, Wus Good/Curious, and etc.) but I wanna talk about his newest project, “Colours 2.” At first I was annoyed that there’s only 4 songs on it, but once I realized it’s good enough to be played on repeat it was all good. My personal favorite is “Freak in You.” It’s sweet and dirty at the same time.

He’s so smooth that he makes simply wanting to fuck you for the night sound beautiful. The light background vocals paired with the production make it perfect to fuck too, light a blunt too, or just enjoy on your own.  I’m kind of getting off topic but the fact that he has dreads just makes him all the more lust worthy too me. I’ve never been with a dread head but I’d be lying if I said I haven’t imagined giving direction to a man while he goes down on me by pulling on his dreads. I’m gonna wrap this up here, but feel free to comment your thoughts or opinions on anything mentioned in this post.

Stuck.

Y’all I feel so stuck. I’m at the age where people tell you to have fun and be selfish, but honestly I don’t feel like I know how to do that. I  just feel like something is always missing. I’ve been going to the gym, working, and keeping up with friendships but something still doesn’t feel right. I’ve come to realize that part of me misses the last boy I was involved with, but that confession right there is exactly why we couldn’t work. I’m no where near perfect but in all honesty he was a boy, not a man. It sounds cliche but that’s the only way I can explain it. He made me feel good for the time being but then disappeared quicker than he came, and I mean that in two different ways ;).  To be honest he’s a physical representation of my ongoing progress. He treated me WAY better than my ex, but still not how I deserved to be treated. I have to admit I was an unhappy and deeply hurt person while we were talking, but he wasn’t ready for “us” either to say the least. As much as I like my independence and work well alone, part of yearns to love and be loved romantically.

Is Love Really a Thing?

I got asked if I believe in love and I still don’t know the answer. I’m not a romantic but I’m not completely pessimistic on the topic. To be honest I don’t have many positive healthy relationships to reference, if anything I’m stuck with some sort of generational curse. The women in my family are unbelievably loyal, caring, and hardworking but always seem to get the short end of the stick. I look at these women including my mom and almost feel their heartbreak ten fold because I know the pain a failed 1 year relationship gave me, so just imagine the hurt after a whole divorce from a 10 year marriage. Still I’m no stranger to divorce and cheating, especially cheating since I’ve been subject too it first hand. Ya, it made me bitter for awhile and it’s something I’m just beginning to really get over but, that’s not why I find it difficult to answer the question that originally inspired this post. I’m unsure if I believe in it because I truly feel like “love” has been watered down over the years and is now just a less potent version. People are rarely willing to take the time to know someone and love them for their everything. Or to grow together and just be good to each other. I’m unsure, but I’ll be patient and optimistic till love in every sense of the word finds me. Feel free to leave comment with your opinions!

 

8:22 A.M.

IMG_5245Currently having breakfast while listening to Jay Z’s new album, 4:44 for the third time since last night. Yes, I know it’s been on Tidal for a few days but my college student budget forced me to wait for it’s release on iTunes. Anyway, to put I’m simply, I love it. It’s really refreshing. The smooth production accompanied by Jay Z’s confident but laid back cadence makes the album a success to me. The tracks’ sound give you a sense of older school Hip-Hop while Jay’s lyrics and punchlines preach wisdom and make the whole project current. The production, Jay’s punchlines/sense of humor, and his lowkey shade throwing also gave the album a regal feel. He gave us a raw and honest look at his world and the world in general.  I truly love how educated he sounds/is thanks to his allusions throughout the songs. I also like today’s new artists but most of the time their work only satisfies the need for catchiness and cool beats, lacking substance and a message. 4:44 satisfies my need for both. For anyone hating on Jay, just remember he said “I’m clear why I’m here, how about you? Aint no such thing as an ugly billionaire, I’m cute.”

Day 1

I know at 20 you’re not meant to be 100% put together but, I still feel so behind. Sure, I know what certain words mean but when it comes time to live the verbs I understand on paper it’s impossible. It’s so frustrating to know the root of your troubles but be stuck when it comes to working towards a solution. My insecurity is crippling. I understand the concept and importance of self love but it’s something I’ve been failing to partake in. I know how to love others, it may not be obvious all the time but it’s more than I’ve ever felt for myself. I look for reassurance and appreciation from those who don’t care for me as much as I care for them. I stick around too long “giving CPR to dead situations” to the point that I’m hurting myself just as much as they are. I’m unsure about what I want for my forever as many people my age are. The one thing I’m sure of is the fact that my true happiness and peace must come from within. It’s crazy how a bunch of people could tell me the same thing but nothing changes until I say to myself “Bitch, you got this.” So, right now I’m recovering and I’m accepting it. I’m learning and growing, join me.